Dramababe's Blog on life and the pursuit of…something

I was so happy to have a visit from my best girlfriend from college this past weekend. If we are lucky, we get to have face-to-face contact about once a year, because our homes are far apart and our schedules even more so. We both have families and husbands and demanding jobs. And she is living my life…and doing it well.

That sounds snarky and jealous. It is, a little, but it is admiration more than anything. We went to the same college, had the same professors and shared many of the same desires for our future. It is funny that we went very different directions, but for all the right reasons. I think. 

When I started my theater major I was so sure I would be a professional scene designer or carpenter, maybe even a lighting person. I worked in the theater scene shop from my first semester onward, always intending to go into professional theater. I wanted to travel, study for a masters, and see lots of things.  However, by the time I graduated I had also taken an education major “as a backup” and eventually graduated as an English teacher. I was scared to try to make it in a tough business where everyone was always under the microscope and the competition was mean. I was afraid I would fail. SO, I decided that teaching high school and doing a drama program was what I was supposed to do (I was delusional and scared, so it seemed right).

She, on the other hand, went on to get an MFA degree and become a professional scenic designer. She has worked in many professional theaters as well as currently teaching in a university where the program is booming and she is doing marvelous things. She has gone to London at least twice with student groups and has attended many professional conferences. She is living the dream I started with, and doing it well.

Jealous? Me? Oh yes. Had I had a backbone, I would have stuck it out and I could be directing or designing somewhere. But I didn’t, and I direct community theater and teach and direct in a lovely little high school, married to a wonderful and talented man with two terrific kids. I love my job(s). I just can’t help feeling, sometimes, like a loser.

So, part of the point of this blog, as I said before, is a chance to look at myself and appreciate what I am. I am a person who has chosen a path that will help other people. I hope. I am a person with talent who has chosen to share it with students who may not otherwise experience some of what I do. I hope.  I have to believe that I am where I belong because I am supposed to be here, and not somewhere else. I hope.

So, I am going to appreciate what I am and have become as much as I appreciate what she is and has become. I love that we are still in touch after so long. When we get together it is like we were never apart, and that is not just because we facebook obsessively and chat  A LOT. It was like that before, too. I could just walk in tomorrow and she would squeal with delight and hug me, and then we would talk about…anything.

So, she is living her life, not mine, and we are where we are supposed to be. Ah, much better.